


Six Months

by Haurvatat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Battlefield Terra AU, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Telepathy, ill-advised fic, porn without an overabundance of plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 21:35:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haurvatat/pseuds/Haurvatat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat obviously isn't feeling well and given that nobody's really an accomplished xenobiologist let alone a diagnostician, there's not really much anyone can do about it.</p><p>Probably.</p><p>Everybody, stop looking at John like that.</p><p>((Battlefield Terra AU-Based - that is to say, if you haven't read the story Battlefield Terra, this will make next to zero sense))</p>
            </blockquote>





	Six Months

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Asuka Kureru (Askerian)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Battlefield Terra](https://archiveofourown.org/works/365950) by [Asuka Kureru (Askerian)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru). 



John awoke to a faint whining, high-pitched and soft. It vibrated in the air, a bit like a cicada chirping.

Dave’s scratchy voice began muttering from the other bunk bed. “John, your pet has to pee.”

“Why don’t you take him, then?”

“You’re the one who begged Mom to keep him; you’re responsible if he pees everywhere. Also because fuck you.”

“I hate your guts.”

“They hate you back.” And with that, Dave rolled over, burrowing into the covers facing the wall. No choice now. John pried himself out of bed, painfully slow. _This must be what getting old feels like,_ he thought. _All creaky joints and an intense desire to be as useless as possible and also naps. Lots of naps. All the naps in the land. I can get down with that_.

“Kar?” he whispered. “Kar, buddy, if you need to go, I’m up. C’mon.” He patted the alien’s arm experimentally. “Karkat?” Nothing. John could feel him moving slightly under his fingers, a miniscule quiver belying discomfort. He frowned. “Hey, Dave? He’s not awake. I don’t think he has to go to the bathroom.”

“Don’t care,” Dave’s voice said, muffled from under two thick comforters (Dave was a wuss about cold temperatures no matter what he said to the contrary).

“No, I mean I think there’s actually a problem,” John said.

A pause. “Shoot a note to Doc Lalonde. Wait for daylight and see if it gets better. It’s four in the god damn morning and there’s nothing we can do right now because xenobiology is something I really don’t give a fuck about and for fuck’s sake just _let me sleep_ ,” Dave said.

“Okay, okay. Jesus.” He tapped the side of his glasses. Of course, he couldn’t just tell the woman that something seemed ‘off’. Symptom run-down. Right. He pressed a hand to his own forehead, then Karkat’s. It seemed a little warm to him, especially considering that Karkat slept on top of a pile of crap with no blanket and John had all the snuggly blankets in the world that Dave hadn’t hogged.

Did aliens even get fevers? Whenever they had touched, Karkat had seemed a normal temperature, so it wasn’t like he was cold-blooded. Probably. Or maybe aliens followed completely different biological rules than anything on Earth did.

That was something he probably should’ve been more concerned about earlier. Of course aliens would have alien diseases and shit. When the Europeans landed in the Americas, syphilis nearly wiped out the natives. Even different continents bred diseases that weren’t so bad for themselves but deadly to anyone else. What might different _galaxies_ breed? It stood to reason that Karkat would have zero tolerance in his system for Earth’s viruses, provided that his cells could be invaded like any other animal cell. The common cold could probably kill the poor bastard. John’s blood chilled. Nobody among them had been sick. He hadn’t seen anybody who was ill out and about. Where could Karkat have picked up an illness? The complex was about as clean as it was ever going to get. How…?

Karkat’s breathing wasn’t the slow and even breathing of sleep; it was rapid and shallow. His body shifted slightly in his sleep, unable to get comfortable. He clearly needed the rest. John wasn’t going to wake him up. Hopefully, the alien would have enough English in his vocabulary to describe his symptoms. If not, John would just have to use the headbands and experience them for himself. He shuddered at the prospect. He typed up the pittance of what he knew and sent it off to the Doc’s pesterchum account. Hopefully she’d see it first thing in the morning. One could hope.

\--

When John woke the second time, Karkat was already awake and sitting bolt upright in a corner, legs bent under him. There was no way that wasn’t cutting off circulation to his calves. Ouch.

“Well, good morning to you, too,” he said, climbing out of his bunk. Karkat just grunted in vague assent. “Let’s go.” Karkat was off like a witch with the Spanish Inquisition on her heels.

Dirk just grinned from his bunk. “Sonic boom. Not bad. Might have a job of keeping up, Egbert.”

“Screw you.”

“I charge by the hour, pumpkin.”

John wisely absconded before his face could redden and Dirk inevitably made the gay chicken squawks of mockery. Also to keep an eye on Karkat because he couldn’t go anywhere alone. Right.

John didn’t have anything to worry about. Karkat was safely locked in the bathroom. No points of egress from there. Hm. From the way he’d rocketed straight to the toilet, maybe there really was something gravely amiss with their extraterrestrial friend. John tapped his glasses, belatedly remembering about the message he’d shot off last night (that morning?).

****

RM: hey john  
RM: we had concerns about his resistance to earth diseases at first too, but he never got particularly ill back when he was recovering from the injuries obtained in his crash-landing, so i tested his cells  
RM: they’re incompatible with normal viruses. he can’t get viral infections. bacterial infections, maybe  
RM: i’ll pop in and check this morning, around nine  
RM: get some food in him before then so his blood sugar isn’t too low and make sure that he knows i’ll need a blood sample  
RM: i don’t want him panicking just because i’ve got a needle

John typed a quick confirmation and glanced at the clock. An hour to wash and get some food into Karkat. Not a problem.

If Karkat ever got his fat ass out of the bathroom.

He banged on the door. “Hey, dude! Other people need to pee eventually, too! Sharing is caring and also if I pee on the floor, you’re cleaning it up. Fair warning.”

The door opened enough for Karkat to deliver one scorcher of a glare. John frowned. Karkat’s pupils were incredibly blown. Normally, his iris was what expanded or contracted to cover the sclera, but this was different. He reached up a hand to check the alien’s temperature and a gray hand knocked his away.

“Are you okay? I’m being serious.”

“I okay. _Am_ okay. Zhann do no touch,” Karkat growled.

“Do _not_ touch,” John corrected. “Hey, do you remember how Doc Lalonde came by for your checkup a few weeks ago?” Karkat nodded. “Well, we’ve kinda been noticing that you’ve… well, you’ve seemed a little off. She’s coming by this morning just to look you over real quick and see if maybe you’re sick. If you are, we need to make sure you get the proper care and all. She said she might need to take a blood sample if she can’t tell what’s wrong just from looking. Is that okay?”

Karkat gave him a look that clearly said, _It’s going to happen whether I’m okay with it or not, so why the hell are you posing a pointless question?_ His mouth was tightened in distaste, though, and John noticed.

“I’m sorry, but I really don’t want you to get sick. Odds are good we won’t have any clue how to treat you if you do, so… kind of imperative that we keep you healthy.”

“Eemp… eemprr-uh-teev?”

“The most important thing.”

“Ah.”

“At any rate, gotta wash up and get food.”

Karkat’s entire face froze at that, but he turned and marched stiffly for the showers. Maybe the mention of food was what set him off. John keenly remembered more than one bout of the flu that left him far too nauseated to eat. He wouldn’t have touched food with a thirty-eight-foot pole back then and maybe an upset stomach (or the alien equivalent) was enough to bother Karkat, too.

On the other hand, maybe he didn’t have an upset stomach if he could get washed up this fast. By the time John made it into the showers, Karkat had already undressed and occupied the shower furthest from the door, pointedly not looking up as John entered.

“Dude. Mach 5 this morning? Something’s definitely up with you, admit it!” he said.

“Fuck you, okay? I… _am_ fine.”

A whistle from the doorway. “My my my. Salacious, indeed. What a time to walk in.”

“Jesus Christ, Jake! Leave ‘im alone. He’s had a rough night, from what I can tell.”

Jake just grinned. “You know, that statement doesn’t really negate the salaciousness of the previous one. You are digging your hole deeper and deeper, my ectotwin. Best of luck with that.” He pulled his sweaty shirt over his head and reached for a towel.

“So how was the night shift?” asked John.

“Silent. Actually, according to my calendar, it’s right about time for vacation.”

“Really? That’s fantastic! We could all go somewhere fun! I mean, Karkat’s allowed outside now, so… Hell, I dunno, nowhere public what with restrictions and all, but still. And maybe this time you won’t get stuck pulling the night shift stick?” John said.

“I can hope. Why can’t Dirk get night shift? He likes it. I don’t understand why we have this awful lot-drawing thing when he’s so willing to volunteer. Meanwhile, I barely get to see you all because I sleep through everything fun,” said Jake.

“Sorry. Fingers crossed this time.”

Vacation was the term the pilots used once Skaialabs had noticed the pattern. Every six months, it seemed, attacks lulled for about a week and a half to two weeks. Uninterrupted silence. Real plan-able vacation time, and it was a godsend. Officially, they were supposed to be on-guard 24/7, what with being the last defense of humanity and all, but in-house they were given a week off to do as they pleased, and a few days to help adjust sleeping schedules as individual shifts were moved around and rearranged. The politicians had been talking about a tactical assault during one of these cease-fires for ages now, but the fact remained that they simply did not have the man-power to make something like that feasible. Some part of John was still offended that the fleet thought so little of their offensive capabilities that they were willing to be so predictably vulnerable. Even if they were right. Especially if they were right. The Empire was just so smug and it annoyed the ever-loving shit out of him. He wasn’t sure why they were doing it, but it wouldn’t surprise him if they did it solely to rub Earth’s nose in the futility of its own efforts. From what Karkat had mentioned of the arrogance of his commanding officers, it seemed likely.

John glanced over to Karkat’s shower. The alien was staring up at the corners of the ceiling, shoulders stiff and movements jerky. He sighed. If the boy was feeling ill, why wouldn’t he just say something? Pride was definitely a key part of Karkat’s personality, but he also prided himself on being a rational being. He definitely understood the dangers foreign illness posed to his system. He’d never deny himself healthcare that could potentially save his life just over pride. Would he?

“Karkat? We gotta hurry up. We still have to eat and all.” Karkat twitched like he’d been slapped, then hopped to it. He hadn’t been this jumpy with John since… ever. Even when he was convinced any wrong step with land him either in torture or a messy, public execution.

Jake raised an eyebrow. “Is he-?”

“Like I said, rough night. Doc is coming in this morning to see if he’s okay.”

“Huh. That’s not good. Well, you might not have to rush him so much. When I came in, Jane was in the kitchen with a waffle maker and a pound of strawberries,” Jake said.

Karkat’s head jerked up. He adored strawberries to the point where he would blatantly steal off the plate of any unwary party. Again breaking the sound barrier, he rinsed himself off, turned off the water, dried himself, and yanked on clothing.

“Zhann, hurry up! Slow of speed _and_ mind, stupid dumb fuckass.”

“You know, he’s starting to get poetic. How sure are you that he should learn more English?”

John sighed and rinsed the conditioner out of his hair. “Less sure by the hour. We’ll set aside some waffles for whenever you wake up.”

“Thanks, my good man!”

“Yeah, no problem.” He toweled off and yanked some pants on. The shirt he could do on the way. Karkat’s eyes had found themselves glued to the ceiling again for some reason.

“We go now?”

“Yeah.”

_“Good.”_

And with that, Karkat sped out of the doorway, John hurrying to keep up. It really was weird. Karkat knew he wasn’t allowed to roam unattended. Why purposely try to leave John behind? And the refusing to look anywhere near John (or anyone else for that matter)? Maybe it was a psychological thing and not medical. Maybe they should be busting out the headbands already.

Well, after breakfast. Jane’s waffles could negotiate world peace in an afternoon.

\--

Romy’s face was still and contemplative, but her eyes showed something different. John couldn’t quite puzzle it out. Was that amusement? Confusion? A conspiratorial look special for Karkat?

“So, Doc, how’s he looking?” he asked.

She stopped taking Karkat’s pulse, a smile spreading across her face. “I’m going to take a look at his bloodwork just to be thorough, but I think I know what the problem is. I’ll run it by Dr. King and the others, as well. You know, before I go announcing theories in the open air and all that.”

John blanched. “What? Is it, like, ebola or something? He’s not dying, right?” Karkat shot him an unimpressed look and a slow shaking of his head. _Why do you air your thoughts when you know perfectly well how idiotic they sound? I feel dumber for having heard it. There go another three hundred neurons; they served honorably and well. Flowers for the widows are cold comfort in the face of your all-encompassing fatuity._

“No, nothing like that. From what I can tell? Well…” she chuckled ominously. “I’m just going to recommend keeping him in a quiet, private place for a while. Some alone time might do him good.”

“You know why I can’t do that,” John said.

“If it’s quiet he needs… maybe I could watch him?” Jane asked. John was touched. Maybe she really was feeling much better if she was willing to put herself in charge of Karkat alone. Maybe they were bonding a little over mealtimes? He’d like that. Life was best when all his friends got along, and having to pick between the company of his sister or his erstwhile charge/prisoner-of-war/friend had been awful for the last few months.

Romy just laughed. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really think _John_ should be the one the look after Karkat for the next two weeks or so. Just trust me on this one.”

“Two weeks? But that’s the whole vacation! Alone? I’m going to miss spending time with everybody,” he whined.

“Somehow, I don’t think you’re going to mind too much once you’ve… gotten into the swing of things. And it doesn’t have to be 24/7, for God’s sake. John, you’re a big boy and no one is going to abandon you so readily,” Romy said.

“I mean, yeah, I hoped, just… What’s going on with him? Like, I know you won’t tell me until the bloodwork confirms it, but what are the basics of care here?”

“Keep him fed. He’s not going to have much of an appetite, but feed him anyway. Lots of fluids, but that’s no surprise. Don’t push him to do anything he really doesn’t want to do – he knows his own body and his own limitations much better than we do. Right?” she said.

Karkat nodded. “Much goo- er, _better_ than Zhann. Not bad problem, I promise. I will be fine soon, when two weeks.”

“In two weeks,” John corrected.

“How can you be _in_ time? Stupid dumb fuck fuck fuck words.” 

“Prepositions are annoying, I’ll grant you. English sucks and I’m so sorry you got stuck with it.”

“Not enough sorry.”

“Boys!” Romy scolded. Karkat huffed unapologetically. “Basically, John, if Karkat really needs something, he will find a way to let you know.” She laughed under her breath like she’d made an inside joke that no one present understood. John felt a bit lost. “Just get a private room where he can hole himself up, all right? Preferably one without too much clutter or furniture in it. And with soft surfaces so he can rest.”

John blinked at that. Why was clutter a bad idea? Obviously, tripping over stuff could be a concern, yeah, but it just seemed odd. The only places without Dirk’s abandoned robotics projects or Jade’s stuffed animals or Roxy’s dropped shoes were probably bathrooms. Holing up in a bathroom for two weeks would be a nightmare by anyone’s standards. “I can do that.”

“Good. Drop a message if his condition changes. I’ll let you know as soon as the bloodwork’s in. It ought to go considerably faster given that I know what I’m looking for,” she said.

“Okay. Thanks for coming by on such short notice, Doc.”

“No problem. You kids try not to kill each other while you’re all home for vacation,” she said. She ruffled John’s hair, gave Jane a peck on the cheek, and then was gone.

“Now where am I going to find a place that’s uncluttered? Seriously?” John motioned to the floor. Granted, in the kitchen, it was sparkling clean, but his point was still valid.

“And a soft place to rest,” Jane said.

“It’s sounding like I need to make another pillow fort or something.”

“Maybe minus a roof or walls. Just to keep him from feeling boxed in. Too much clutter.”

“So, a pillow… floor. And we don’t have any padded rooms or anything that might work?”

Jane shot him a glare. “You would stick him in a padded cell? Really?”

“I am here, dumbfucks. I can speak?” Karkat growled.

John started. “Shit! I’m sorry, buddy. I mean, where do you even want to stay?”

Karkat’s eyes flicked downward in thought. “Hm. You say you have soft room? Where? Show me. If room is too much soft…” He gestured to the claws on his feet, which had rapidly grown back to a full point after clipping them so long ago.

“We can clip them again, you know. The hardwood would probably thank us,” Jane said.

“Can? Yes. Want? Not so much,” Karkat said.

“Okay. Yeah, there’s no way to know until we…” John let the sentence trail as he typed out a notification to Noir. Karkat got away with a lot more these days than he used to, so the larger escort, handcuffs, and blindfold were no longer required, but Noir still liked to keep hawk-eyed tabs on Karkat’s movements, particularly within the main facility. “Hey, Karkat? You know the room is… like, it’s intended to keep people from hurting themselves, right? Like, when they’re a potential danger to themselves and others? If you hadn’t been hurt and also sporting great big spiky claws that make a straightjacket redundant, I’m pretty sure they would have put you in there when you first got here.” He was trying so hard not to look at Jane, but he saw her stiffen as he spoke out of the corner of his eye anyway.

“John, is it all right if I sit this one out? It’s one excursion I’d rather… Well, I don’t- you know.”

“Yeah; yeah, no problem.” _Fucking awkward._

Some politicians had talked about putting Jane in there after her accident and subsequent diagnosis. No shit she wouldn’t want to come along.

“C’mon,” he said, tugging at Karkat’s sleeve. The alien quickly jerked out of John’s grip and put a good three feet between them, but got the hint.

Karkat waited until they were down the hall and heading for the science and medical sections of facility, out of earshot, before he spoke. “She is okay?”

“Um, yeah, I think. I mean, she’s been doing loads better lately, and I’m really proud of how far she’s come, but some stuff still sets off some warning bells, I guess? Generally, padded rooms are meant for people who are… well, crazy. So damaged up here –“ a gesture to his brain “-that we can’t really protect them from themselves, so we tie them up in rooms like that until we can get them proper help and medications and therapy. Sometimes, even that isn’t enough. It’s still a sensitive topic. With Jane, with all of us. You know how it is.” Karkat nodded.

“She is… feeling better?”

“I think so, yeah. I mean, she hasn’t chucked any tables at you lately, so I count that as a win,” John said, grinning. “Hey! Speaking of feeling better, you seem to have perked up a little! Maybe all you needed was some food in you? I mean, you were making some chirpy noises to kingdom come last night, so I wasn’t sure what to think, you know?”

Karkat’s eyes widened to stare at John briefly, then glued themselves to the floor as he sped up.

“Hey, wait for me! Do you even know where we’re going? I’m pretty sure you’ve never been in that room before,” John said. Karkat didn’t slow down or look back, immensely intent on ignoring John for as long as possible.

Speed-walking as they ended up doing, they arrived at the medical bay faster than expected. A few secured doors later, and they were there. It was locked.

Well, thank goodness the medical bay was right there.

“Hey, Doc?” John yelled into the abyss of hallways.

“There is no need to shout, John Egbert! I am nowhere near old enough to need hearing aids and you’d do well to remember it!” she bellowed back, stalking into the hall like an infuriated panther, high heels clicking all the way.

“Sorry,” he said. Totally wasn’t sorry. “Hey, do you know who has the key to the padded room? It’s weird, I know, but you said soft and uncluttered and private and I figured what the hell. Karkat asked to see it. Just to scope it out, you know.”

“Hm. Not a bad idea. I think I know who might have the key. Give me a minute to go hunting.” She vanished into a side room and they were stuck there. Waiting. Awkwardly not-touching. What the hell had gotten into Karkat that all of a sudden required a strict no-touchy rule? Also a somewhat less-strict no-eye-contact rule. Karkat had been steadily avoiding looking anywhere _but_ John, except for when he needed to make an unimpressed face at whatever stupid thing John had managed to put into words most recently.

“Victory is mine, victory is mine. I drink from the keg of glory; bring me the finest bagels and muffins in all the land,” Romy announced, emerging from another lab and smugly waving a key card in her perfectly manicured hands.

“Awesome!”

“And…” a swipe of the card and the subsequent _beep_ “…here you are. Karkat, have a good look around. See if it suits your fancy.” As John made to follow Karkat into the room, Romy caught the back of his shirt.

“Hm? Something wrong, Doc?”

“I wouldn’t say that, exactly. I did his bloodwork, ran it through the mass spectrometer, and got exactly what I expected,” she said. “He’s not actually ill.”

“Really? Well, that’s great news! So we don’t need the special room now?” he asked.

“No, you need it. In his blood, I found high levels of compounds that, for his system, act as sex hormones. Your alien boyfriend is, as suspected, in heat. Trust me, he’s going to need the relative privacy for a week and a half. Ta!” she said, wiggling her fingers, and left.

John just stood there at the door to the crazy-people padded room in shock.

In… _heat?_

Wasn’t that a thing that animals went through when they… just… what?

It wasn’t as though John had ever divorced the concept of romance or sex from Karkat. The alien had a boyfriend back home, and he’d felt no compunction about rating the relative hotness of John’s friends’ and family’s asses, so John’s sudden knowledge of his alien buddy’s sex drive wasn’t a complete surprise. So why did it feel like he was on the receiving end of one of Warhammer’s deadlier blows for once?

It was starting to make sense. Karkat’s extreme reluctance to touch anyone or look anyone in the eye, and his need to be as far away from John in the showers as possible. A bunch of naked bodies in close proximity during a heat? Yeah, that one was bound to raise some notable… issues. Not that he knew the physical signs of sexual arousal in Karkat’s species. Why should he? Yeah, they’d showered in the same room for months now, but he’d never gotten that good a look at the alien’s junk. Too many gay jokes from Dirk and it just wasn’t worth the risk. Especially when he’d wanted to show Karkat pointedly that he’d be safe from any kind of unwanted sexual advances.

And Karkat couldn’t be left alone.

Fuck, Karkat couldn’t be left alone. John was going to have to be there. In a soft room that worked a lot like a bed, what Karkat thought of exclusively as a sex platform, walls soundproofed, alone, with an alien who was in heat. For a week and a half. _Fuck._ No! No fucking! No thinking about fucking!

He didn’t have any clue how heats worked, to be honest. It had never become an issue, seeing as Bec had been neutered as a puppy. Maybe it popped up in furry fanfiction from time to time, but he definitely didn’t read that stuff. Besides, odds were good it was filled with a million biological inaccuracies anyway. It would be a dark day for humanity when the best medical advice came from furry internet smut. Besides, Karkat wasn’t a wolf or a dog or any other kind of mammal. He was a class all his own and maybe his species’ version of a heat was dramatically different. What if something bad happened if they didn’t have sex during heats? Pain, fevers, muscle spasms? John had no clue what to expect, so he might never know if something was out of the ordinary enough to call a doctor.

They were in such deep shit.

How exactly did one go about asking, ‘Hey, how badly are you going to need a quality fucking in the next week?’ without sounding creepy?

There was no delicate way to do it in words. They’d have to resort to the headbands for more information about Karkat’s current condition.

But first…

“You think this will work?” John asked, swallowing the questions at the forefront of his thoughts.

“…Need to cut claws, but it’s okay,” Karkat said, resigned. John glanced down as Karkat tried (and failed) to pick his way over the padded floor without catching his sharp claws on the canvas.

“I see what you mean. So, do you want to move all your stuff now or later? How much of a hurry are you in?”

Karkat’s mouth tightened. “Yes. Now.”

Okay, and now John was totally thinking about how desperate Karkat must be already if he wanted to be sequestered as fast as possible. Bad brain. Down, boy.

Luckily, Karkat’s massive pile of crap included that one old suitcase that Dirk had subtly given him, so most of it could be packed away and rolled along. The rest they could easily carry by hand. John tried very hard not to notice the fistful of clean underwear Karkat had swiped when he’d thought John wasn’t looking. He tried harder not to think about why his alien pal might need them.

John just dumped his armload onto the floor of the padded room, tossing Karkat the nail clippers by hand. Karkat liked to arrange it all himself, anyway, so once the poor man could walk without having to unhook every toe each time, he’d be better off left to his own devices.

Meaning John could go hunting around for the headbands. The scientists must’ve squirreled them away in here somewhere.

It took him five minutes to find Doc Lalonde, in a meeting with a few other doctors, and another four minutes to convince them of how necessary the headbands were, red-faced and stuttering the whole way through. He could have done without the cheek-pinching and the You-Naughty-Boy-s but you took what you could get. At least the headbands were in his possession by the end of it.

When he got back to the room, there the impressive pile of crap lay, stacked high as only a true Jenga master could manage. John chuckled and shut the door behind him, a strap hanging inside so room so that they could still open the door despite the lack of handle.

“Hey, buddy? You in there somewhere? See, ‘cause we really don’t get how this whole thing works, I’m gonna have to ask you to… Karkat?” John padded around the half-finished pile and saw him. Karkat was collapsed on the floor, face flushed an almost human shade of ashen-red and panting for air like he was dying. “Jesus Christ, Karkat! Oh fuck, this is exactly what I was fucking worried about. Karkat? C’mon, you’ve gotta tell me whether or not this is normal! Shit,” he said, and dropped to his knees beside the alien. John laid a hand on his arm and shook him lightly. Karkat let out a tiny whimper of what sounded a lot like pain. “Shit shit shit. Okay. At least I have the stupid mindmeld accessories. Hang on, I’ve got you,” he said.

Karkat hissed as John rolled him onto his back. “Shit. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ve just gotta – you’ve got to let me…” He finally got the headband firmly over Karkat’s head. “There! Okay, now it’s my turn. You’re going to be okay, man. Promise.”

He slipped the pink monstrosity over his own head, affixing the nodes to his temples properly before flipping the switch to ‘On’.

John’s mind exploded with a raw, awful burning. He could feel it everywhere, and it ached deep in his bones. He’d accidentally burnt the skin off his elbow as a child once, and the same sensation of having your nerves regrown from scratch had spread to his entire body. He couldn’t scream. His body went weirdly stiff in places, limp in others. And he was only getting the resonating echoes of what Karkat was going through.

 _Karkat?_ he called silently. _Please, you have to tell me what’s happening there’s no way this is normal ithurtsithurtsithurts and I’m not even the one feeling it please just answer me-_

_TOUCHMETOUCHMETOUCHME FOR FUCK’S SAKE YOU LIMPDICKED IMBECILE IT’S HEAT WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT waitno don’ttouch nonono don’t do that (what if you hate me later?) but don’t leave me alone here either JUST TAKE OFF THE HEADBANDPINKPSYCHICTHING THERE’S NO REASON BOTH OF US SHOULD SUFFER OH FUCK_

It was all so jumbled and John couldn’t make sense of what it was Karkat really wanted him to do. All he knew what that _motherfucker that feels absolutely perfect._

Somehow, his left leg had gone out from under him and he had fallen sideways onto Karkat, hip pressing down on an area just above Karkat’s crotch. Without thinking, John pulled himself up and swung his left knee around to straddle Karkat’s waist. The alien let out a long chirp of satisfaction and threw his limp arms around John’s neck.

“Please please please Zhann _please_ ,” he kept whispering.

John’s brain was on fire. He couldn’t think. He just _did._ He leaned down and sealed their lips together. Both moaned openly and crushed their bodies together as tightly as they could. It wasn’t a romantic kiss as much as a desperate one, punctuated by tiny whines and thought-streams of _moremoremore_ and Karkat’s claws kneading the back of John’s neck as gently as he could. The pressure abated for a few seconds – not gone, just lessened – and John pulled back enough to mouth at Karkat’s lower lip, a little nip here and a lick there. Karkat opened up without a second thought. His tongue wasn’t as soft as a human tongue, a little more sandpaper-y like a cat’s, as it curled around John’s. It was also somewhat nimbler and flicked at the roof of John’s mouth, eliciting a startled moan.

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered against Karkat’s mouth.

“Just shut up,” Karkat growled, and pulled him into another kiss.

Some part of John that was still functioning (must’ve been buried pretty deep) knew that this was a terrible idea. Karkat was under the strong influence of his own hormones, and for that matter, via the telepathic headsets, so was John. Could it really be counted as consent for either of them? At the same time, he understood better than ever what kind of pain Karkat was going through. The muscle spasms had obviously been bad enough for him to collapse, writhing on the floor. John would do almost anything to keep his friend from feeling that kind of pain, whether he shared it or not. If the headsets confirmed anything, it was that Karkat much preferred this course of action than any other. And yeah, it was nothing short of heavenly.

Then his brain did something that was both brilliant and immensely stupid in wondering, _how much better would this feel if we didn’t have all these clothes in the way?_

They froze, staring at each other; blue eyes locked with red. 

A slow nod in unison.

And with that, they parted for about three seconds to tear their shirts off. Karkat got his up to his neck when John, chest bared, fastened his mouth to Karkat’s neck. A loud rumble sounded deep in Karkat’s chest as his arms went limp above his head.

All-consuming need aside, John couldn’t help but pull back for a moment just to laugh. _Was that a purr? like you went through so many angry words when dave compared you to a cat are you seriously telling me that you purr?_

_I do not you sonofabitch purring is for meowbeastpet and you are not putting a fucking leash on me-_

And with that mental image spurring him on, John leaned back down to bite down on the juncture of the neck and shoulder, his hips instinctively grinding down as Karkat’s leaped up in response. Karkat let out a shuddering cry that sent utterly wonderful chills down John’s spine and additional heat to his groin. Damn it, he wasn’t gay! Sure, he fake-flirted with Dirk in a time-honored tradition of gay chicken, but that didn’t mean he-

_John?_

_Huh?_

_What’s gay and why are you thinking about it when you are supposed to be touching me?_

_I’m not oh for fuck’s sake – I’m not gay and it means when two guys are like sexually involved okay are we done with human sex ed now?_

_John?_ A thrust – _I hate to be the one to tell you this_ – a long moan from both of them – _but you’re gay._

 _Nope this doesn’t count!_ John mentally flailed. God, if Karkat could just stop feeling so completely perfect for two fucking seconds…

 _Uh huh, suuuuure no don’t respond to that because I don’t give any shits and whatthefuck how is gay (two men?) how is that even a thing how would it even matter I don’t understand stupid aliens with their stupid buckteeth and if that monstrosity in your pants isn’t a big fucking sign that ‘yes I’d like to fuck guys’ then by all that’s holy please inform me what is._ A strong upward thrust to accompany his words and John decided that he wasn’t coherent enough to argue the point at the moment.

 _I’m not sucking any dicks I don’t care how desperate you are,_ he thought-said. There were some principles a guy had to stick to no matter how psychically-transferred-alien-sex-hormone-crazed he was.

 _WHAT? Fuck no no mouths on dicks nonononono (teeth! how-?) what kind of psychotic fuckers ARE you people WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT THERE IS NO GOOD REASON I mean that’s not where I need –_

_Not where you need it? What else is there I don’t get it I mean I swear I never peeked at your junk ‘cause that would be weird and an invasion of privacy and also gay which I am totallydefinitelyabsolutely not I’m just saying._

_Well now’s your chance, asswipe!_

Oh. Well. _That_ certainly stumped John for all of five seconds. “Huh,” he said. “You… you don’t mind if-?”

“DO IT STUPID DUMBFUCK,” Karkat snarled, bringing his knees up to whack against the sides of John’s ribcage. “Dumbest shit on legs and will touch but won’t _touch-_ “

John wasn’t sure where it came from, but he slammed his lips into Karkat’s just to shut him up for a few precious nanoseconds, then shot down Karkat’s body, hooking clever fingers under both of Karkat’s waistbands and yanking down faster than either of them could think.

Hormonal sex-induced insanity or not, seeing an alien dick for the first time was a thing that one had to sit back to properly take in.

To be honest, John had no idea what he’d been expecting. He couldn’t recall ever thinking too hard about it before. He’d probably been trying too hard not to think about it. As it was, alien genitalia wasn’t so shocking as one might expect.

It looked like a normal human penis, except tapered and a bit longer than normal. It was flushed a dark red and kept whipping around, which was by far the most alien thing about it.

“Zhann,” Karkat whimpered. “Need you to touch.”

He sucked in a breath. Here went.

He wrapped a few experimental fingers around the tip, playing with it, trying to gauge the heft and the feel. He had touched a dolphin once, swimming with Jade out by her place, and the texture was incredibly similar: wet and warm and smoother than the finest silk. Karkat keened and chirped and purred, finally pulling his shirt all the way free so he could throw one arm over his face. God, he was so red in the face. His whole body was flushed to a certain extent, but his face definitely had the worst of it.

John gained confidence, a smug little grin lighting up his face, and began stroking in earnest.

“Zhann!” _Could you not tease me and get to the real shit by any chance?_

Real shit? Wait. No. No _way_.

Karkat spread his thighs obligingly, turning his head away in obvious embarrassment. He was trembling like crazy. They both were.

John had no idea what Karkat could possibly have to be embarrassed about, because this had to be one of the most beautiful sights he’d ever seen. A long opening, just like a human woman’s, lay just between his legs. His alien dick had been obscuring it before, but now John wasn’t sure just how he’d missed it. It was flushed that same dark red and was dripping – God, _dripping._ It slid down the curve of Karkat’s ass was ending up puddled on the floor, slowly but surely. All for him. Karkat was this far gone for _him_. Maybe the heat played a major part, but John would have noticed it if the seat of Karkat’s pants had started leaking before. This was all for him.

He wasn’t sure where it came from (yes he was, stupid excuse, he knew exactly where it all came from), but a gargantuan swell of possessiveness swept over him. _Mine._ John yanked Karkat up towards him, pulling his arm aside and kissing him hard enough to bruise. _Mineminemine_. Hands sliding up and down his sides, claiming, marking, owning. _Going to show you. Mine._

He’d never done this before, but then, Karkat had never had it happen to him before, either. If John did a shitty job, Karkat would have no way of knowing, with nothing to compare it to. Good enough.

John grabbed Karkat’s thighs, shimmying himself down and hooking them each over a shoulder. A quick flick of the eyes upward showed that Karkat was staring at him, still in a lust-filled haze, confusion echoing faintly over the telepathic headsets. John took off his glasses, flinging them to the side carelessly and grinning. He’d find out soon enough.

One hand gently pulled the tentadick off to the side, stroking it, and John got to work. He started with a broad swipe of his tongue over the hole, just to get a feel for it. Karkat instantly arched and bucked like mad. _Calm down not gonna hurt you I thought you knew that._

_I know I know but what are you_

_This._ And with that he went again, this time dipping his tongue in. Just a little. Just enough to Karkat give one of those delicious shuddering cries. Whatever liquid was coating Karkat’s-

 _Nook,_ Karkat’s brain helpfully supplied.

-nook, it wasn’t what John would consider a delicacy. It oddly reminded him of that cherry-flavored cough syrup they’d forced on him as a child that tasted nothing like cherries. That was an interesting thought – did Karkat’s body produce stuff with an alcohol content? Because he’d gotten pretty drunk off that stuff after making an ill-advised bet with Roxy.

_For fuck’s sake what are you waiting for? DO THAT AGAIN, YOU USELESS TROGLODYTIC NOOKWHIFFER. I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR INTROSPECTIVE HORSESHIT NOW EITHER FUCK ME OR LEAVE SO I CAN DO IT MYSELF._

That settled that. All or nothing. John opened his mouth slightly and sealed his lips against the outside of Karkat’s nook, tongue stabbing deeply inside and teasing the inner walls as best he could. Karkat fucking _broke_ , body spasming in what John thankfully could confirm was not pain. It seemed that after a certain point, Karkat became incapable of making any noises (or thoughts, for that matter) at all. Now there was a miracle in and of itself. John really had no clue what to do with his tongue, so he just swirled it around here and there, prodding certain spots and sucking lightly at Karkat’s skin, navigating solely by the bright spots of pleasure he could discern telepathically. Crude, but effective.

 _Backbackbackback can’t take much more!_ Karkat finally managed to think. Reluctantly, John obeyed. Jesus, his juices were all over John’s face. Maybe there was an alcohol content, because John could only think to blame intoxication for how little he cared. The horror he detected from Karkat at the sight was also pretty funny. He grinned ( _ohgodstopdoingthat it’s on your TEETH_ ) and grabbed a shirt – he didn’t see whose, not that it really mattered, and cleaned his face as best he could.

“Hey, Karkat?”

A wary look. “What?”

He leaned forward to whisper in Karkat’s ear. “I’ve still got my pants on, and I can’t help but think that’s a little unfair.” He smirked at the sudden rush of surprised, aroused, and morbidly curious emotions across the telepathic bond. “Do you find my remedying the situation agreeable?”

Karkat swallowed. “…Rhhst. Yes.”

“Beautiful. Gimme a sec,” he said. The jeans and briefs were gone in seconds. Karkat had seen some stuff before in the showers (unwillingly, granted), but never in this kind of context. He chirped in a tiny, almost defeated way as he stared at John’s cock. _Is it really that intimidating?_

_A little bit yeah. I mean fuck you with your stupidly gorgeous ass and general attractiveness and why couldn’t you have been born with a bulge that WASN’T going to split me in two? Because life hates me and this is news to no one so get on with it before my brain melts from the heat._

_Not sounding very into it here. I’ll stop if you say so. I won’t touch you if you don’t-_

_SHUT UP JOHN YOU KNEW WHAT I MEANT_

John pulled Karkat into another kiss, somewhat more tender than the others had been up until this point, rocking their bodies together slowly. They were of a height, so fitting together didn’t go perfectly at first, but they managed it. John reached down between them, crooking two fingers up into Karkat’s body. That full-bodied purring was back. A third finger just to make absolutely certain ( _you’re not going to break me, moron, it was a joke_ ). His fingers were absolutely drenched with red, and John used it to slick himself up.

“You ready?”

“Yes, yes,” Karkat said, rather breathlessly.

John pressed his hips up slowly, sinking into the most amazing velvet heat he’d ever felt in his life. He moaned long and loud at the feel of Karkat, barely able to keep it controlled. The headset kicked into overdrive and suddenly he could feel Karkat’s side of it, too, doubling it for both of them, pleasure rebounding between them. It resonated, and was, in short, fucking incredible. Mind-blowing in a considerably more literal sense. It was a little weird how John could feel echoes of being filled himself, but God, it felt a little too perfect for him to be worried. The stretch was perfect, the heat was perfect, how close they were together, pressed like they were trying to melt into the other’s skin, everything was perfect. Little thrusts at first, just to get a feel for it and make sure that it wasn’t going to pain Karkat at all if he moved. Then graduating up. John pulled most of the way out, the tip barely still inside, and slammed Karkat’s hips back down. Karkat screamed and clutched and John’s back, mind a blur of _yesyesyesyes_ and _MORE_. He couldn’t have said it better himself.

He pushed his hips up and Karkat would thrust himself down onto John’s cock, crying out and purring and chirping. Long, bloody scratches decorated John’s back, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The nanobots would fix them in a matter of minutes, anyway. Some part of him couldn’t help a sense of loss at that.

The possessiveness came back in full force and soon he was slamming into Karkat, rendering the alien wordless, writhing.

Mine.

 _Mine_.

_Mine._

And then…

_…Yours._

That was all it took. John broke with a shuddering groan, digging his own nails into Karkat’s hips and biting down on the same place on Karkat’s neck where he’d left a small bruise before. He tried hard to continue to thrust through it, and shortly felt Karkat come as well, spurred on by the telepathic sensory feedback. That itching fire under their skin, that painful drive, finally abated almost all the way. It was only for a short while, John knew by proxy, but it was enough.

They collapsed together onto the padded floor, a shockingly massive pool of bright red come sinking into the canvas.

Oh, God.

Now _this_ one was going to be tough to explain.

They exchanged a look and broke into a fit of self-deprecating laughter. Maybe as soon as the headsets came off, John would regret this with every inch of his being, and maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe this was meant to happen and everything would turn out all right in the end.

Either way, he refused to lose his alien friend. Karkat was all his. He’d said so himself.

A mental eyeroll from Karkat and John was giggling all over again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY I NEVER WRITE SMUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING I JUST MADE SHIT UP FUCK I'M SORRY IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING AND I CAN'T WRITE BUT I DID ANYWAY AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG
> 
> But in other news, when Karkat speaks, I have those ellipses because when you're learning a new language (particularly the minefield that is English), conjugations of verbs are often the part that takes the longest. I purposely stuck them in before verbs for that reason.
> 
> Edit: Also, I might have been the tiniest bit drunk when I wrote this. I remember thinking that all of the italics were making me dizzy and the screen kept swirling. I feel Roxy would approve.


End file.
